An Enneagram One taught me to embrace imperfection.

I know… the last person you’d expect to learn it from, right? It was in their own unique way too. Imperfection in the way I needed.

It goes back to a conversation we had about watching tv (shocker).

He told me I could just watch my favourite episodes and that I didn’t have to watch the whole series in order every time.

I didn’t understand. My brain couldn’t compute…What do you MEAN I can just.. go into Netflix… pick any season… any episode.. and watch it?! I don’t have to… watch the whole series first?!

But really… he’s right. And it might seem obvious to others, but to me.. it felt wrong to watch random episodes at random times.

I had a flash to this conversation last week when I was deciding between pasta or butter chicken for dinner.

Im out of rice. I have TONS of pasta. Butter chicken doesn’t “go” with pasta. Someone might look at me eating this and think “what the actual fuck”.

But… I can have butter chicken pasta cant I?

Who’s to say I can’t change things up?

Who’s to say I can’t step outside the norm?

Who’s to say things HAVE to be a certain way?

I’m an Enneagram 2.. and part of the super fun times of BEING an e2 is not really being in touch with our needs. And one of our needs… our MAIN desire? To be liked.. loved.. wanted.. needed.

How does that fit into this equation though???

Well.. back in the day, if I did anything that was even SLIGHTLY different than one of my parents would do it - I’d hear about it. I spent 34 years doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I could to make myself smaller as a way to avoid it. It made me feel unworthy of love, no matter WHAT I did.

Enter: adult Candice who wants to watch her favourite episode in Friends, but it’s from a later season and she feels obligated to watch ALL the seasons first because thats the way it was intended.. AND and adult Candice who would stare at her cupboard/fridge and not make dinner because she didn’t have the “typical” meal ingredients.

The underlying need? To be able to do something “outside the norm” without feeling like it’ll crash my world to the ground.

This ties SO HEAVILY into my Enneagram it’s not even funny.

First: Enneagram 2s internalized, in childhood, that it’s not okay to have needs

Second: Enneagram 2s pick up high level traits from Enneagram 4 in comfort/growth. Enneagram 4s are all about authenticity, their own emotions/needs, and doing things outside the norm.

Third: Enneagram 2s pick up low level traits from Enneagram 8s in seasons/moments of stress. The flip side? They can use the HIGH level traits from this type to help balance their 2ness.

What did this self-awareness via Enneagram show me all within 5 minutes of trying to find rice?

That my need to be liked/fear of being disliked is still holding on strong (e2) and to feel more comfortable in my authenticity/doing things differently (e4).. I need to lean into taking up space with who I am (like an e8) in an effort to empower myself to be fully me without giving 2 flying fucks what people think.

Anyway, I didn’t end up making butter chicken pasta because it still felt too weird, but.. at least I know why now 😅

It might sound weird, but I love finding these random pieces of self-awareness through my day.. especially when they flash me back to something someone said YEARS ago.

I love figuring out why I tick. I love figuring out why I am the way that I am. I love feeling empowered in my skin.

How do you end blog posts?

AAAAAND SCENE…? 😅😂

See you next time!